ALL OK.

All is well in my world really. New bird and having fun.

The truth is that there is an underlying feeling of relief. As hard as that sounds I no longer have to think about how I will care for my sister after my parents are gone. Don't get me wrong - I loved her, but as sad as things are it will make my life easier.

|Is that heartless, probably. Is it honest, totally.

Other than that I seem to of run out of things to moan about. I'd just be repeating myself. The truth is that at the moment I find little true worth in what I do for a living. I love my job when I do what I am trained to do; the reality is that I drive a taxi - for half the cash and I really can't be fucked with it all.

Cheers to you all. Live long and prosper!! :-)

BACK TO NORMAL?

Well work have been great I, actually, was offered more time off than I requested and realistically I needed it. It has been a very strange and stressful couple of weeks. I don't think I've stood still until today.

Normally in such circumstances we skulk away and leave the police to do what they do. Now I know what a fantastic job that is done by these men and women. Thank you all.

Dealing with the estate is a nightmare all of its own. The Government are mercenary bastards when it comes to this, even clothing needs to be valued for Inheritance Tax purposes. The last thing you need to worry about at times like this are how much a few pairs of old shoes are worth.

Still this is the way of the world. Managed to get away for a few days. Fishing, which is the best thing for the sole, and a wee break with the old's. Today is the first day I've had to myself for two and a half weeks, which sounds and is good. The problem though is that I've cried more today than in the last 14.

Back to work tomorrow though and I hope the return to routine brings me back on track. I've been pretty good about everything so far. I know that you never get over the loss of a loved one - you just get use to living with it.

So, back to normal? There is a new "norm" to become accustomed to. Feels very strange suddenly being an only child. I miss my big sister.



P.S. Thanks to everyone for the support. It is not unnoticed nor unappreciated.

GOODBYE MORAG.

For twenty two of her forty one years she had lived under the specter of being mentally ill. A hellish twilight region known as bipolar disease, a place that few know and fewer fully understand. Every day was a struggle. A dark world where every direction held uncertainty and fear. Every shadow was a ghost to dread and every noise was the start of an assault.

She struggled on showing a strength that not many people have. A determination to fight the un-winnable fight. Desperate to be liked by everyone and loved by those close to her. She was the inherent mixture of fun, happy and miserable. She could be a real pain in the ass at times and mean as hell to those who cared most for her, she could also make you laugh. She was ill. That was known and she was loved. She knew that, deep down she knew but could only see a cold, lonley future. Sometimes being loved just is not enough.

Over the past couple of years the, irrational, worry of what the future held began to drag her down. Fear of little things like how she would do the shopping to the big things like how would she pay the bills. An inherent fear of loneliness, a fear of living within the realm of the mentally ill with no one to hug her and no one to make her smile. A fear of things the future may hold.

There had been some previous pseudo suicide attempts. Scratching with knives and threats. Nothing to leave a mark on her just cries for help and a strength that she could not find within herself. She was a lovely, considerate, kind girl who did not deserve this. She was an innocent. She deserved better; the best.

Her parents came home yesterday to find her hanged from the banisters. Her dad did all he could, knowing CPR, and the Ambulance crew turned up to take over. Realistically there was noting that could be done but the effort made really did make all the difference. I cant stress this enough. I know it was a token gesture, but it mattered that it was made.

Sometimes you become hardened, not unconscious of, or immune to, the suffering of the relatives. Just, "it's a job", it's what we do. You clear the scene and control send through the next call - off you go. Another day at the coal face.

No matter how hardened you become, how long in the tooth, how much of an old hand you may feel - when it's your sister it hurts like fuck.

Goodbye, Morag. I love you and I'm going to miss you. I hope you have found peace. Sorry I was not there when the storm broke.

WHO ARE YOU.. WHO, WHO, OO, OO?

Someone once said I looked like Bruce Willis ( I'd heard this before when thinner) but I don't know if I ever saw this. I think I look like a young Saun Connery, but realistically I think I could get away with pretending to be Dara O'Brian.

You decide. There's a photo of each of us.

HO HUMM.

No interesting work stuff to report. Am pissed off with midwifes who think that it's fun to call 999 for a 32/40 pregnancy because their on a half day. Then again I am a grumpy old man these days. I'm sure the fact that she blatantly lied to the hospital to justify this makes her feel good. The whole crash team was waiting on us when we trundled up with this healthy 19 YO. No bleeding, no pravia, no hypertension, no tachycardia. I think she gave us the wrong girl, not that she bothered to provide a handover or a letter. Should be struck off.

Good news is that I've organised my physical for the OZ application. Not for a couple of weeks and the closest centre is a 4 hour drive away. Still, gives me time to cut out the fags and practice carrying things up and down stairs. Hope I can manage it!! The stopping smoking bit is not that bad.

WILLINGLY GIVEN .... ?

My Granny called it the "sight", some call it the "gift", some call it precognition. I call it bloody predictable. The price was paid and I must say it was particularly painful.

Some people I have learnt to hate over the years and last night kicked off by three of these folk in a row. None of these people had anything wrong with them and being well known to us everyone involved knew this, especially them. All were pissed and would walk out of the hospital before we had finished booking them in, as usual. All wanted a wee trip up the road for whatever reason that springs into their rotten, Ferrel heads. Eight minutes (8) was the longest any were prepared to wait before getting a taxi home. Ho Hum. Who am I to suggest that these things should be charged for abusing the service? Give them a lift I always will.

A few more drunks and a couple of quite sad psychiatric jobs. A change of blood soaked uniform and here I am at home.

Predictable? It never fails.

THE EYE OF SUSPICION.

It was a Friday night shift. The rain came down in sheets and the wind blew hard. Rivers had burst their banks. Generally it was pretty shitty.

The most worrying thing for all members of the A&E system was that it was scarily quiet. This is not good. You cant relax, something is wrong. Now if I was not at work I'd be staying in and watching Friday Night With Jonathon Ross but our normal customer considers inclement weather no hindrance to getting pissed, having a fight and throwing up on me. They may decide to ware a long sleeved t-shirt but that's about it.

Nights like this make you uneasy because you know you'll pay the price at some point. Nurses and Ambo's pace about, bighting finger nails, waiting on the next job and it just did not arrive. You expect the call to an 8 car RTC, buss crash, fire at an old folks home. Something! It's written in the stars, Carma, kismet - call it what you like but we all know that by the end of shift on Sunday morning we'll of given our pound of flesh.

Knowing this I now have to try and get to sleep but , you know, I'm scared of what will come.

2012

I was catching up on the world of Blogs and red a comment on Frank Chalks site that got me googling. The comment was absolutely right and it made me laugh.

Now I must say that I approve of the message and would encourage all over the age of consent to indulge in this new Olympic event. Get training and perfect your technique. I'm available to train any women looking to participate, even in an armature capacity.

A man on the left and a woman on the right. Can you see it yet?

THE FOURTH DAY.

Four day shifts over the weekend and what has it held? Well, a little bit of everything. I can be a bit of a pain in the ass at times to people that know me and have been grumpy over the last few weeks anyway. I wasn't looking forward to this long weekend of being at the mill but this is what I did.

We got a job to a 56 YOM (Year Old Male) with chest pain and unable to use his legs. On arrival he was in the bog, walking just fine and had no chest pain. It turned out he was a frequent flier and insisted on being taken to his appointment at the dermatologist which was in two hours time. I told him to fuck off. Now this is not service policy but really! What do I care about this creature, selfish git.

Drunk at a pub. Well I get drunk at pubs, I ,generally, am able to walk at 1400 hours and have never called anyone a C*** for trying to see if they are ok. Let this pass but when told to F*** off was glad to see him get lifted for breach. Pissed wanker!

26 YOM methadone user who was found lethargic by mum. Had not taken methadone for 3 days but there was none left in the bottle. Hmmm? OK he was stoned out his tits and mum was worried and he needed monitoring in-case he went flat but he was playing on it. "Legs don't work" yeh, right. Grow up.

22 YOM assault. This happened 4 weeks ago. Had a sore knee. This knee was in plaster but he cut this off because it was itching. Didn't want to go to hospital because he was out his head on a cocktail of heroin and booze so there we go. His uncle did ask my partner ( a female) for a wank as he liked the latex gloves. What can I say? Really, what? He deserves to be shot. Tosser.

65 YOF having am MI (heart attack). ECG, pin in the arm, aspirin (this is the most important thing if someone is having an MI. If mum or dad gets bad chest pain drop in a 300mg aspirin ASAP). Not thrombolisable so batter into A&E.

A number off lovely old folk with ongoing heart problems who didn't want to be a bother but should of been earlier. Call us! We are there for you, not your pissed grandson.

The grumpiest man in the world. A guy who drank 10 litres of cider a day for 20 years suddenly decided to give up without GP advice. He also decided to come off the Valium at the same time. We arrived after a 20 minute trip just as he stopped seizing. Did not look like a seizure patient (ambos will know what I mean) more TIA or even cardiac. Basically he looked very ill. Anyway, after everything we could do in five minutes (which was just about everything - when in a hurry it don't take long) he was telling us to get to "F" which was, according to his wife, his good old normal self. Signed the form and told us that we were wasting our time as he was "fucking OK." Hopefully his wife will get him to his GP if he's not in hospital by now. The seizure lasted about 10 - 15 minutes, a very, very, very long time. Still we can't kidnap people so I hope he knows best.

34 YOF taken an overdose. Eyes role and looks of disbelief pass between the ambulance crew. This may sound unsympathetic but the reality is that very few OD's actually ever take the pills they say. Anyway, I felt for this woman after a wee chat. I think it was post natal stuff but she had also lost her dad and grand-dad within the last 5 months. Not a good spot. In reality she was a bit of a pain in the ass but I hope it all works out and that shes OK.

The first job today was to a miscarriage. Normally these are to threatened or inevitable miscarriages. This is where it may prove to be or is going to be a miscarriage. Today it was to a miscarriage. 21 YOF who was being treated for a urine infection. Went to the toilet at 0730 and lost her child. From my perspective I hate these jobs. I don't know what to say, or even if there is anything you can say. I hate having to pick a 19 week old foetus out a toilet and try not to vomit and cry at the same time. I hate the angst, stress, confusion and melancholy that this brings on me. Most of all I hate the fact that I cant do anything to make things better, I cant help. I cant do anything but feel sad and know that what I feel is nothing compared to the loss of the mother. I took five minutes in private to shed a tear, I guess she will be crying for much longer. I only wish that I could let her know that my silence was because I do care. I can't begin to comprehend the loss.

The next job was to a 19 YOM with a 2 week history of having a sore shoulder. I wanted to break his fucking arm!!!!

SPARE TIME.

Board again really. I've been on a week off, following a week of night shift. As mentioned somewhere previously, it always take a few days to get over the jet-lag. Anyway I've not done much, the plan was to head off for a couple of days but that went tits up so was left here looking for mischief.

Found no mischief at all. Quite disappointing. Had a funeral to go to on Tues and helping a friend move house on Thurs. Out for a meal with an old friend tonight so I guess that I should feel like the weeks been full. It's not.

Been banging my head off the walls for the last few days and smoking for Europe.

The big news is that I've sent off my application for a job in OZ. Wish me luck - though it's running away from this life I may even find someone "special" over there. I like the Antipodes and seem to function better over there. I hope it all goes to plan as, in reality, I've had it with the NHS and this PC led country.

THAT SMELL!

I was talking with my partner the other day about death.

Now this may seem a strange thing to those that don't deal with it but the reality is that it's like discussing the weather after a while to those that do. It's not that you stop feeling nor that you stop caring. It's certainly not that you don't feel the loss of those around you. If I get to that point I leave and become a traffic warden.

I remember everything about my first arrest. The name, face, location even what was in the shopping trolley. I remember the thump, the shocks, the conversation I had with a dead man, willing him back to life. Unusually we got a return of spontaneous pulse giving his family time to say good bye. I will never forget this, any of it; ever.

After a while though it changes. I hope I never forget that someone has died nor that those that survive are hurting and that I will always empathise with their pain. I no longer know how many people I have been to that have died though. How they died and where they died does not stay in my memory. It may be dozens or even hundreds, I really don't know. I still feel uncomfortable having to break this news and hope that this is a sign that I retain a basic human decency despite what I do for a living.

How has this changed me? Well, I see the mortality in everyone I know and meet. I assess the likely-hood of a heart attack or stroke, the chances of cancer - how they are likely to go. This is all done on a sub-conscious level but it is there and I'm aware of it. I expect my father to have a huge stroke, my mother to succumb to cancer and my sister to meet an untimely death at her own hands. Me, it's COPD and cancer. I don't expect any surprises.

Does this make me more passionate about things, overly keen to meet life head on and more susceptible to fits of anger about what I find unjust? Dammed right it does.

The outcome of this.... we all, as Ambos, carry the feint smell of death around with us. People know, normal people know, what we do. I think that while they all are amazed that we do what we do the very fact that they "couldn't do our job" says more than they think. We deal with the dirty, the sick, the maimed and the dead. It's a fantastic job when we do what we are trained to do but it leaves a mark and it's not always comfortable.

ACUTE, SUDDEN ONSET.

999 call to 38 YOM, depressed, feeling unwell.

On arrival the man was slumped in a chair, pale, glazed eyes. Said he was afraid that there were strange things going on and that the henna he had pit in his hair may of had some strange effect. All through this his eyes were distant.


He wanted to go to hospital and who am I to refuse. Even after trying to explain the effects of smoking hash he wanted hospital treatment.

In my day it was called a whitie and cured with coffee.

So there you have it. Acute sudden onset of sadness. The handover was fun at the hospital.

WORK, WORK, WORK.

Well, work has actually been pretty slow - for the last few months. Cant really think of much to write about. I'm on night shift at the moment and have actually been pretty quiet after about midnight.

If anything exciting or unusual happens I'll let you know.

THE STORY

It should be OK to tell a tale as I suspect those involved wont read this now.

Some of you wished me well so here is the story.

I hooked up with my childhood sweetheart a wee while ago. I was very happy and got carried away with things.

She came out of a pretty destructive relationship a short while ago and I guess she thought she was ready for something new. She wasn't, certainly not what I threw at her after 20 years of carrying a torch for her. I also have more than my share of baggage to lug around and this manifested itself as a flood of love and affection. It is exactly the sort of stuff that scares me off so why did I expect her to do anything other than run? I don't know.

I felt pretty stupid at blowing it and sad that two people who really do get on so well couldn't work things out.

Anyway I'm nothing if not resilient and feel pretty normal again. I hope that she'll still be my pall but if not I learnt some pretty good lessons about where I am emotionally. Too much time on my own living in a ditch in the country. Not healthy. Even though I love it here it's maybe time for a change. Maybe I need to engage with polite urban company again.

I really do need to get a life.

PS. if you do read this, A. You'll always be cool with me <3

SOMETIMES II

Sometimes life just sucks; and it's all your own fault!

A PLACE FOR EVERYTHING.

One of life's great mysteries to me is the shopping trolley.

As a child my father always said "a place for everything and everything in its place". He was right. When things are tidied up and put away in an orderly fashion they are not only easier to find but take up less room.

Why then is it that on completing my circuit of Tescos and having packed the groceries, randomly thrown into a trolley, into plastic bags and then place these bags into the cart do they tale up more room? These bags should fit neatly into the trolley making you thing "that's not to bad, really" rather than "what the f*** did I buy to take up that much space"?

My theory is that the supermarket chains have developed some strange marketing device that imperceptibly shrinks the trolley as you pass the checkout. While shopping it's bigger so you think "not bought much, have I" after it's all to late and you've paid it shrinks so the thought is "boy, that's a lot of stuff".

The volume contained in a shopping trolley is therefor inversely proportional to the amount of goods purchased.

Still confuses me.

THINK ON IT!

I could go on and on about how i feel about this subject and how my perception has change since I joined the ambulance service. A complete U turn.

Nothing I could say however would touch THIS.

Enough from me.

SOMETIMES

Sometimes life is good. I'm pretty happy at the moment :-)

I like this.

FINGERS CROSSED.

There is a young girl, 16, that I've taken on the two hour trip to the nearest transplant unit a couple of times now. She has cystic fibrosis and is awaiting a lung transplant. It's not happened yet but despite this she smiles and is full of hope and life. Her sister died from this a year or two ago. I can't begin to imagine how this effects her and her parents.

She smiles and talks, constantly, some may say too much but I like this and I cant help but admire her strength and optimism. She was back to the unit yesterday, all smiles and chat. I hope that the Donner is suitable and that all goes well for her.

While things don't ever seem to phase this amazing kid, they phases me though, it breaks my heart every time she's turned around and sent home. I hope that I never see or hear of this girl again. This would mean that all is well. Good luck Lass, fingers crossed.

SOMEONES WATCHING!

Actually someones listening. This is quite important and if your in the ambulance service, or possibly the police as its the same system, beware the new radio system that is being deployed. This is the national radio system being rolled out for the emergency services and is already in use in some areas, notably the police force where I work.

I heard a rumour and got my union convener to check up on it. The rumour is correct. The new radio system has a facility whereby "authorised" members of the control staff can listen in on your conversations. I don't mean just the stuff that you may transmit to your colleague while on a job, I mean the private stuff you talk about in the cab - and you cant tell when this is being done. Get this --- even if you turn the personal unit off they can still listen in.

As a result both UNISON and the T&G here are pulling out of the consultation and advising staff to refuse to carry the new radios unless this feature is removed prior to roll-out. Typical ambulance service stuff this not just staff privacy but patient confidentiality being ignored.

I'd advise anyone who reads this to chase it up in your area. If its anything like the service here when you think you've hung up and start talking about how crap a particular controller is you'll get disciplined and possibly sacked, regardless of any assurances that are given.

Don't sign for the radio or carry it, if you do don't talk or ask the patient any questions. They have rights that are being breached. I'd also emphasise that your union reps should chase this one up as mine has. She's on the committee responsible for the roll out and heard this from me. She was socked that it was not being openly discussed and that rumour proved to be true.

Just something for you all to think about.

HAVING NOTHING TO DO CAN PROVE FRUITFULL.

I was board beyond belief. I'd done the shopping and was even thinking about cleaning the bathroom when a random trawl through the web brought up this picture. I had to post it. Laugh, I weed in my trousers a little.

IT'S ALLIVE!

Hi there people. I am alive but I have been very lazy over the past few weeks. Actually I've been having quite good fun going on holiday and fiddling around with the Land Rover. Bit of a money pit though.

Workwise, there's not much been going on for ages that inspired me to post. There was a period of about 4 weeks where there was only one person ill enough to warrant canulating. Most were in better health than me.

Things seem to be changing though so I promise that there will be something that pisses me off enough to overcome the inertia that has set in.

Thanks to everyone who has kicked my ass. I needed the push.

MOVIE UPDATE.

I usually hate foreign films. Just watched "Pans Labyrinth". It is really quite beautiful. Recommended.

Also watched "Tenacious D". My type of thing. Fantastic.

MAKE ME CRY.

A new clutch. Almost £600 with delivery and VAT.

Not what I was wanting for my old Defender. My eyes still sting as does my wallet.

HMMMM!

Some may call me mad. Some may call me weird but I do. I fancy Sarah Jessica Parker. No accounting for taste.

A STRESSFUL DAY!

I've been single crewed the last two days. I've actually quite liked it. There are only a few jobs that you can do and they tend to be high priority jobs where you go as a first response.

Yesterday I only did five jobs. Three people went to hospital, two were little girls who were not well but not seriously ill. I like small people, they make me smile and restore my faith in the inherent good of people. Small jokes and a bit of fuss and wonders can be done. One of the girls, a 4YO, had tonsillitis and a temp. of 41.1C. She still nattered all the way in, except when she slept on her mums lap, and had a smile on her face. Very high temperature though, for anyone never mind for a wee tot. She did say she'd help get me organised though, so I don't think she was too sick.

Today was an endless stream of NHS referrals for chest pain. Well 6 jobs. That's all I did, six jobs. A very manageable workload. Everyone of these people was having a panic attack. Anxiety had taken over their day. Not a nice thing. Two wanted to go to the hospital and I was quite happy to oblige.

So, a stress-full day. But not for me. I may be starting to become less grumpy - but I doubt it.

WEEKEND.

Well the weekend is my week-start. Four days from Friday and to tell you the truth I can't be arsed. Spent all day today working on the Defender trying to get the door locks working. Figured it out after dark so no chance of finishing it off. Will have to wait until Tuesday.

Hope something interesting happens at work. Bit board of playing taxi to people who are in better health than most. Will have to wait and see.

WORK, REST AND PLAY.

Well it's been a while. I thought I'd leave the previous post up for a while in an effort to direct as many people as possible to the petition thing. Guess my bit is done by now.

WORK.
Work has been a bit strange. Very dull. Nothing of interest yet again. I was reminded though of a couple of instances where I hate people. You see, one of the things that gets my goat is interfering relatives. Relatives that stand exactly where you need to place the chair or try and wrap the blanket tighter around their husband while your carrying him down the stairs. These type of things just piss me off and I find it hard not to tell them this. I find a couple of deep breaths and a follow up policy of ignoring everything they say helps me out. I always feel sorry for the patients in this situation. Makes me glad that I'm not married.

Get out the way. Let us do our job and no, we wont wait 10 minutes while you change your trousers and do your hair. Idiot!!!

REST
Lots of rest. Too much. Things to do but not doing them. Too distracted by ... play!!

PLAY
Well, play is fun. Everyone should be playing more. I'm still struggling through Zelda, in fact I've had to look at a walk-through in order to try and escape the mines. Need more arrows and a touch more coordination and patience. Still, I will prevail.

Also I've been a bit naughty and bought myself an old ex MOD landrover that needs some work done on it. I know nothing about cars so this is a bit of a challenge and may take the rest of my life to complete. The aim is to get it into mint condition then trash it on a friends farm driving through mud and over rocks. Unfortunately this all costs money and I spent it all on the thing. My gut feeling is that it will end up a pile of rusting parts but at the moment I'm spending lots of time sanding things and replacing bits. Feel like a real man - good honest manual labour.

Other than that life plods on. There are a couple of changes in my life being planed and I will let you know when things progress. Other than that if you see a couple of Ambos next to a bed or struggling down the stairs -- get out the way. Ta.

SIGN AND PASS ON, PLEASE.

Well I'm OK now.Took Thursday off as a sicky and slept until 3PM. Think I needed it. No more unpleasantness for the time being.

Found this though ***here*** and would urge everyone to sign. This is something particularly close to my heart and, I guess, all Ambos across the world, although it only relates to those of us dealing with the British unwashed. About time something was done.

Got to say that the Government hear obviously don't believe in democracy, as evidenced by their stance on the travel tax thing, but you never know.

Pass it on to everyone you know, even if you don't sigh it yourself. Again ***here*** it is!

ANOTHER DAY.

I felt crap today. Think I've managed to pick up a D&V bug from someone. Actually I'm surprised this does not happen more often in the service. Anyway it left me with a sore tummy and a thumping head. I hated everyone I came across including their pets.

Strangely, though, one call was to a GP who wanted our assessment on someone who he thought might be having a MI. He wasn't and the GP was fantastic. Will take me longer to get over the shock of this than the bug I've got.

Hope tomorrow comes with less nausia or it'll be a sick day and I always get bored of these about mid-day. Still Zelda calls from the corner of the room. Will have to wait and see.

THE EARLY BIRD.

Back to work tomorrow for the first of three day-shifts. Quite looking forward to it. Hopefully something will happen to inspire a new post of interest to me at least.

I should of been going to thy gym bit I've actually spent most of this last week trying to escape the Goron mines. taken me for ever but now I just have the big boss to kill. Rock on Zelda I Loooove my Wii.

(NFR) = NOT my FUC***G RESPONSIBILITY

This post is actually about NFR/DNR (Not For Resuscitation/Do Not Resuscitate). I will call these NFR as I’m old fashioned in this regard and this is what I understand.

I will start, however, by stating that Valentines Day is over. I am glad about this, as I don’t like it. I am also pretty pissed but, surprisingly, not too depressed.

I, once upon a time, spent it with a wonderful, beautiful woman whom I loved very much. The bitch did not like me as much though so she must be mad. Obviously. Broke my heart and I’ve only just forgiven her. Well I forgave her a couple of years ago actually and hope that all is well in her life. Feel sorry for the man she’s with though, nutter.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Just another day but the day that I get older. Older, older I hate that. Why cant I be 18 forever. Still feel 18. My body feels about 80 but I’m still the stud I was 20+ years ago, in my mind. Would love to be able to try and prove it.

This story is an example of something that has become more common over the last year or so. I can’t say that I remember these things happening before, but the situation described has occurred a few times over the last 8-9 months.

I was on a dayshift and, unusually, was in early. I don’t generally do mornings very well but this day I must have been hyper. A 999 call came in 20 minutes before the start of my shift so I volunteered to let one of the night shift crew get home on time and cover their space. The call was to a nursing home about three minutes from the station and I figured it would not be anything too serious. We don’t usually get spurious calls to this place. If there is anything near a good nursing home this may be it. Probably because it’s run by nuns, but still-------.

As we entered we asked what was going on and got the reply, if you can believe it, “we think she’s dieing but just want your opinion!”

What sort of thing is this to say to anybody?

Her daughter was on the way and all they wanted from us was to say, “Yip, she’s on the way out”. The home manager had previously discussed the option of an NFR. This is where a person is known to be at deaths door and a decision is made that any attempt at resuscitation is not in their best interest. CPR is not to be undertaken.

We entered the room and did the basics. The woman was obviously near the end of her life. Sometimes you see people and know that the worst thing you could do is try and move them. The very action of trying to move them and take them to hospital will result in their death. A “nurse” turned up with the documentation that they have and points to a signature under a heading at the bottom of a sheet relating to a NFR.

Now, this means nothing to us, as ambulance personnel. As it stands, where I work, the only legally relevant documentation relating to an NFR is: -

A signed letter from the patients GP.
An audio recording from the patients GP
A preforma signed by the patients GP.

In reality if we don’t have a letter from the patients own Doctor there is no NFR in existence.

The nursing home manager knew this. In my opinion the very fact that they had the discussion and had not formalised it is negligent. They know the legal requirements as well as I do. If they have not been negligent at the very best they have misrepresented the facts to the relatives. I can only hope that they get sued at some point in order that they stop knowingly misleading the relatives of people nearing the end of their life. The distress that this causes became all too evident to me as time went on.

If we moved the woman she would die. You get to recognise these things. This does not invalidate our legal responsibility regarding duty of care. We had to do everything in our power to ensure the survival of this woman.

Blood pressures, BM’s, Oxygen sats, ECG, GCS were all taken as was temperature. The picture was not good. Knowing the circumstances we did all we could to kill time untill the daughter turned up.

The relatives were all under the impression that their mum had been placed in this home for palliative care, with the NFR in place as discussed with the “nursing home” manager. To be looked after until she died. On hearing that we had no option but to remove her mum to hospital the daughter became, understandably, distraught.

While we were, at this point, taking no actual moves towards moving the woman the daughter actively started preventing us from doing so.

I understood her actions completely. Her mother had been placed in a home to die. This had been discussed and her understanding was that everything was in place: she had made her peace with this. To have a 6’3” stranger trying to explaine that yes, we know your mother is going to die and that this is almost certain to happen if we move her but that no, the nursing home lied to you about the NFR and we have no option but to move her and effectively kill her, is not a nice thing.

All the while the daughter is crying. I feel like crap. I know that I don’t want to do what we have to do. That if I follow the rule of law I will be subjecting an old woman to unwanted assault and her family to unnecessary stress/distress.

I ask everyone to leave the room for a minute and my partner and I have a quiet word. She’s way ahead of me. Experience is everything and she’s been around a lot longer than me. Obviously there is no point in calling her GP at 7am (they’ll still be in bed) so call the out of hours service.

While we can hear the daughter crying outside the door we try and explain the situation to a Doctor who has never even heard the woman’s name before. Fortunately he’s a good one. He takes the decision to permit us to withdraw. I have no idea how ethical this is but it was the right decision. It could have been so much different.

We apologise to the daughter and she seems to appreciate the actions we took. Despite this her eyes are still red. All she wanted was her mum to pass away in peace. While we did what we could, we stole some of this. We were an unwanted presence at a time of sorrow and distress.

The home should either not of called us or ensured that they fulfilled their legal obligation to formalise the NFR.

Three times in the last nine months this has occurred. I never expected to be put in this situation. If it happens again I’ll inform the police. Nursing homes have responsibilities that they should not neglect. Nor should they place the responsibility for their negligence at our feet. Their job is to care!

Fuck, I hate nursing homes; and this was one of the better ones.

NOT AGAIN.

I seem to of run out of steam.

I have had so many holidays to use up that I'll of only been at work for 7 days in five weeks by the time I go back a week on Friday. Also when I have been there there has not been anything particularly noteworthy to comment on. Maybe I'm just a bit jaded at the moment and the perpetual Autumn is getting me down. SAD is it not.

There are a couple of pending posts I need to catch up on so may spend valentines day doing that rather that getting pissed and depressed but I cant guarantee that.

Normal service will resume - sometime soon.

IT'S CHRISTMAS

I always associate snow-men with x-mas. Not so much snow as the things people make with it.

It's here and I like it but don't think it will be around for long. Wish it was more like the 70's when I was a kid and snow came every year and you could go sledging.

Is it bad to hope that Global Warming leads to arctic winters in Britain? If it is I'm a bad man!

SHAME.

I’ve been off work for the last few days, not back until Friday. Loving it. It’s snowing at the moment, which is nice. I like winter to look like winter and find the 8 months of autumn we now get depressing.

Work-wise it’s all been pretty normal stuff. I ranted about alcoholic **here** but met a man the other day who falls outside the general profile.

This guy is in his late 20’s and has been an alcoholic for a number of years. I’ve seen him before, lots, but not for a while and had forgotten all about him. Not seen him for about ten months.

The circumstances of the call were not unusual; alcoholic feeling suicidal. It’s the man that is unusual. He is not one of these types that look to justify their addiction or lay the blame for it at someone else’s door. He knows he’s had all the (limited) help available and that he has not followed through on this.

In short he knows he’s an alcy’ because he drinks too much and that that’s his choice. What gets me is that with all this, he does not feel sorry for himself; he hates himself. You can see the shame he feels in his eyes and body movements. He avoids eye contact whenever possible and wrings his hands. He knows he has a problem and has accepted responsibility for this though so that’s a start I guess.

In an unusual moment of compassion I feel sorry for this bloke. I hope things work out for him.

I NEEDED A Wii Wii

My life has taken a big turn. I have something of an addictive personality so try to avoid "bad" things.

I gave in though and bought a Nintendo Wii. I may never see daylight again. I have not had a console since the PS1.

White, pasty man.

IT'S NOT EVEN EASTER.

I would not believe it if it had not happened to me.

At training school I was most definitely told, “you can have a pulse and not be breathing but you can not be breathing and not have a pulse”. Set in stone. One of life’s certainties or maybe one of deaths.

Anyway on Tuesday night this was proved to be wrong. I have to say I didn’t believe it when it was going on so it took a minute to get my head together. It went like this.

Call to a difficulty in breathing. We turn up and my mate goes in to see the patient and I get the chair out the back of the bus in readiness to load up. Things are done and it seems like the man has no other complaints – no pain in the chest etc. although he is a bit clammy. We decide to do a heart tracing in the bus rather than loiter in the mans house.

In the back and we say “ok, if you get yourself on to the trolley.” The man looks at my colleague and his head slumps. Oh shit! We heave him onto the trolley and I check for a carotid pulse. Present but slow, resps at about 20 a minute, GCS E=2 V=3 M=4 so he’s not quite in a coma, but trying hard.

The defib’ pads are placed on his torso and after a second it shows VF (where the heart is having a wibble and not contracting properly). Fuck, “shock him,” the machine screams out. I say, “but he’s berating” and he is. Still berating at 20 a minute and moving his arms. We look at each other and see the doubt. What do we do? Another pulse check – no pulse. Thump the mans chest to no effect.

Decision made, shock. 200 joules thump through the man and he says “for fucks sake”, he’s still in VF. I say “for fucks sake”. My mate says “for fucks sake” and starts CPR as I try to intubate. The man has tristmis (clenching his teeth) and grabs my partners arm. He’s still in VF and becoming more agitated as the oxygen leaves his brain.

Back to basics, manage the airway as best we can and give him lots of O2. Another shock brings him back to NSR (the heart rhythm we all hope we have). Still no tube and still clenching his teeth.

All of this must of taken under 2 minutes. I jump in the driving seat and batter along the 5 minutes of road to A&E. They know were coming and are sitting there having a nice chat when we arrive. He’s been shocked again on the journey in so arrives in NSR with a GCS of E=3 V=3 M=4.

Beeeeeep. Off he goes again. The doctor shocks him and the man says, “ Fuck off, Jesus Christ”. We all look at each other again. He’s back in VF and fighting off the doctors and nurses. Bam! Another shock and he’s in NSR.

14 more shocks were delivered, along with drugs to calm the man down, and allow intubation, as were the other things for someone in cardiac arrest. Throughout all of this the man was breathing, talking and fighting people off who were trying to do CPR.

I have never seen this before. I have never even heard of this before. As far as I knew this was not possible except in Shaun of the Dead. The mans heart is not beating and he’s telling us to F off and complaining about the pain.

Apparently if you get in there quick enough there is enough oxygen in the blood to keep the brain working for a while, even when the heart has stopped. Very unusual and something I doubt I’ll ever see again.

It was a BIG learn for me. Sometimes you think you’ve seen it all but you are always learning in this job. You will never know it all and never see it all.

The man was eventually stabilised and is now in CCU. He’s a save. The first real save I’ve ever had. Sometimes you get a pulse back but that’s not a save. A save is when you run into them buying their grand kids a birthday present 2 months later.

I still can’t really believe what went on. If anybody reads thin and can shed some light on this or has had a similar experience I would love to hear about it. Crazy, totally mad.

FIRST DAY

Well, the first night back at work is over. I'm glad about that as I always think that I'll of forgotten everything I once knew, good to get one under the belt.

I was working with one of the two regular partners I have and was "in the back" looking after the patients. Nothing to out of the ordinary although I suspect that the last patient was having a NSTEMI. Basically this is a hear attack without the ECG/EKG changes that are normally present. It was a good cardiac story with the pain coming on at rest, nausea, clammy, previous MI. Basically he looked like he was having a heart attack and the history fitted in with this, although there was no "solid" evidence to support this conclusion.

We did everything we could and battered him in to the Doc's. Hopefully he'll be OK. He laughed at the right places when I was talking to him so he must be a good lad.

Back pain, D&I x 2, maternataxi, couple of NHSD calls that were left at home and a couple of calls we got redirected from. That was it, not bad.

One of the calls we were redirected from though was to a 30 year old man who had broken his leg playing football. Our dispatch system, AMPDS, classifies this as a green call meaning that we can be sent to something more serious while en-route. Poor bloke had been on the ground for 20 mins. when we got sent somewhere else. Where did we go --- to a drunk at a bus stop.

I should just accept this as the way things are; but I cant. It's wrong on so many levels. Frustration sets in and I know I'm back on the bus. Love it.

AN ABSOLUTE MUST.

This must be followed through.

This HERE.

Don't think there's anything better, but there's nothing worse.

I HAVE FIREFOX!

0320320, JOHN, EVA whatever you want to call yourself; I have firefox 2 and, for your info. everything else I currently need.

If you want me to visit your blog/site, interest me. If you cant do that just fuck off, I'm not going to just because you have some free software that everybody already uses.

Your sadder than me. Fuckwits!

HI HO HI HO.

Well, the holidays are over. 11 days away from work and I've achieved nothing with it. Sat around and done hee haw. I really do need to get a life. Not even done the shopping never mind the housework.

Looking forward to going back to the mill. Hopefully something will occur to stimulate my mind. Only four nights though as tonight is a holiday too. Still find it strange to enjoy my work.

I'M SURE THAT WAS MINE, RAY!

I’ve been watching Ray Mears Wild Food on TV. The program where he tries to figure out what food our stone aged ancestors ate. I like his programs.

The guy can do just about everything from making fire from a couple of twigs and a mushroom to canoeing through rapids. He can catch wild things with his hands and climb up mountains. He truly knows how to survive in the wild and would be the person I’d want on my island should I get stuck on one with nothing more than a broken watch.

What keeps me watching these programs though is the suspicion that this all knowing, action-man must spend lots of time watching telly and eating pies.

HERE I AM.

I've been doing quite a lot of lurking on Caramelo and Nicenuse's sites the last couple of days. This has taken up all my time and I must say I'm surprised at the vitriol that has been expressed. I guess that not everyone likes blogs but that some of these people read them anyway. Also personality clashes on the web can be just as destructive and childish as in real life.

Strangely, Nicenurse seems to of ended up being the battleground for issues that had nothing to do with him and, Caramelo is the only one to walk away from his site with any dignity.

Anyway, I hope Caramelo will keep blogging under one name or the other and that Nicenurse has his site back. You can see the slagging matches HERE and HERE respectively.

On a lighter note watch THIS. You may of seen it before, I first saw it about 7 years ago. I still cry.

GET ME ON A GOOD DAY.

Now here’s the thing, if your drunk, or out of your tits on drugs, be nice to me.

I’m a pretty decent person, really, and do my job because I care about people. Honestly that’s the reason, pretty wanky, but the truth. I like people and I like helping them and, heck, think I’m pretty good at it when their ill, sick or injured.

If your just a piss-head or out your tits on “E” I’ll still be nice to you, even though I know you don’t need my help. If you start the verbal or get punchy I’ll become a lot less caring.

I’ve only been assaulted a couple of times, this year, and neither were very serious. I got a good thwack on the chin from a drunk I was helping from under a bus (no injuries, he placed himself there) and became a bit dizzy as a result, but that’s it.

I’m pretty easy to understand in my belief about self-preservation. I give you 30 seconds. If I walk into your house and you start gobbing off at me, I’ll try and explain/appease but there is only so much I can do. If you really think that because your mate has been drinking for 48 hours and has been sick you can call me a C++t your wrong. If you’re angry that we were not there in 5 minutes you’re wrong. Very wrong, I walk out the door and you can walk the 500m to A&E yourself.

If you really want to hit me make sure you do a good job. At 6’2” and 18 stone (28% body fat) I may be old and slow but you only get one free hit. I am use to getting the odd thump. I’m not sure what “reasonable force” is but remember …. I’m not drunk; and I only want to hit you once.

Usually the police are there do deal with you, thankfully. Just a thought for you though. Think about it if you ever can. I know it’s not happened yet – probably because the police are there to deal with you.

Tossers!

IN THE NEWS.

My thoughts on this article will be a post in the next couple of days (when I'm over the hangover tomorrow will bring). As will the fact that there seems to be a problem with sending RRU's out with Technicians rather than Paramedics.

Bless the press.

At least this is not to sensationalist.

GOING MAD!!

It’s cold, dark and I’m bored. The only thing good is that it’s snowing. I like the snow and we don’t get enough of it these days.

I’ve got another week of holidays to go before I return to work. I was going to go skiing or take off to the sun for a week but my telly broke. I now have a nice shiny new TV and digibox but nothing to do with my time; other than watch ABC 1.

Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored.

In an attempt to pass the time I’ve been thinking about people I hate. Nicenurse had a good post about the people who think it’s ok to open the back of the bus when there’s a patient onboard. This means I cant really post on these halfwitted, scrotums.

I hate Chavs and have said enough on this for the moment. The same with alcoholics who phone for fun.

I’m just bored. Think I need to get drunk. Maybe I’ll get to build a snowman tomorrow. Must go buy a carrot. That will pass some time.

YOUTUBE CLASSICS.

This just made me laugh. Tears in my eyes.

Up with the old girl.

Worth a look.

AM I HUMAN AFTER ALL?

I’ve been off for a couple of days and, in fact, won’t be back at work for another week or so. Using up holidays before I loose them.

The last job I was at before this break was a house fire with one fatality. An elderly smoker who fell asleep and set fire to himself. Not a nice thing. What got me thinking were the actions of the 20-year-old neighbour who ran into the house to try and rescue this old man. A highly commendable and brave thing to do and an action that almost restores my hopes that society is not totally screwed. There are those who would say it was stupid to do this. This is what I have been contemplating over the last day or two:-

Is it stupid and would I do it?

Is it stupid? Well, I’ve got to say yes. He placed himself at risk and while he was unharmed, other than breathing in some smoke, he could of died. It is undoubtedly a brave, courageous thing to do but not the most sensible.

Would I do it? I haven’t decided on this yet. I would like to think that I’d find a nearby phone-box to change in and save the day but I don’t know if I would. Inherently I’m a bit of a coward or at the very least don’t like the idea of getting hurt. There are people I would try everything for; my family, my friends and their kids and, possibly, my neighbours (although I’m not sure about the last.) I’d do everything I could for this select few. If your not known to me I think I might let you fry. Sorry about this but unless I know you’r worth saving I’m not sure I’d risk my life.

Would I expect them to do the same for me? No. I’d be pretty pissed off to think that someone I know placed themselves in danger on my behalf. They all have families to think of and this is the job of the fire brigade. Someone who does not know me from Adam should think about their families too.

Would I run into a burning house? I really don’t think so. All this means is that if I ever find myself in this situation I probably will and be pretty pissed off if someone doesn’t for me.

It’s all theoretical and hopefully will never happen, but I’m still thinking about it. I hope my decision wouldn’t depend on weather or not I thought you were worth saving. Hopefully I’m not that jaded with the world. I think this is what is causing me to stop and think more than the idea of the fire itself. While working I have to place crew safety first. Would I do the same at play? Hmmm???

DO YOU OWN A CAR?

There are many things wrong with the Government. Hopefully they will listen to us.

The government's proposal to introduce road pricing will mean you having to purchase a tracking device for your car and paying a monthly bill to use it.

The tracking device will cost about £200 and in a recent study by the BBC, the lowest monthly bill was £28 for a rural florist and £194 for a delivery driver.

A non working Mum who used the car to take the kids to school paid £86 in one month.

On top of this massive increase in tax, you will be tracked. Somebody will know where you are at all times. They will also know how fast you have been going, so even if you accidentally creep over a speed limit you can expect a NIP with your monthly bill.

If you care about our freedoms and stopping the constant bashing of the car driver, please sign the petition on No 10's new website

http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/traveltax/

Please pass this on to anyone who owns a car/motorcycle. It affects ua all

AN ACT OF THEFT.

For those of you that don't read "Random Acts of Reality" you must watch THIS.

Sorry for the blatent theft.

IT WAS BROUGHT.

Well, today was good by my standards.

The second job was to a 64 YOF with a cold who all but ran to the bus and had her daughter follow in the car. Hated GP referrals by 08:30 hours. Will never understand the lack of thought that Doctors put into things like these. Blood pressure up and the day begins.

Just before lunch a call came through to an 82 YOM with chest pain. On arrival he looked fine but using the skills of a sleuth, that would make Bergerac proud, discovered a barn door MI. These skills involved doing a 12 lead ECG and asking him some standard questions. Now until December this would have been thrombolised; but now we take kids like this to the “cath lab” for an angioplasty (balloon in the artery to expand the vessel). First time taking someone here so this equates as a good job. Pain relief, heparin and transport. Job done and I hope he’s going to be ok although they decided that an angioplasty wasn’t appropriate.

Second last job was to a 55 YOM with an almost un-natural medical history for someone his age. You could tell that he had been a big, strong, intelligent and, I guess, handsome man. Now he has osteoporosis, Parkinson’s, infective soars in his legs, cellulitys – for a start. It was a long list. I guess that he wouldn’t want my pity, and well, I wont give it. I do however feel for this man ravaged by such indiscriminating and debilitating diseases at such a young age. There are so many people we come across that are just a waste of skin. If I believed in god, which I don’t, I’d think, “You bastard!”