Saturday 2 June 2007

THAT SMELL!


















I was talking with my partner the other day about death.

Now this may seem a strange thing to those that don't deal with it but the reality is that it's like discussing the weather after a while to those that do. It's not that you stop feeling nor that you stop caring. It's certainly not that you don't feel the loss of those around you. If I get to that point I leave and become a traffic warden.

I remember everything about my first arrest. The name, face, location even what was in the shopping trolley. I remember the thump, the shocks, the conversation I had with a dead man, willing him back to life. Unusually we got a return of spontaneous pulse giving his family time to say good bye. I will never forget this, any of it; ever.

After a while though it changes. I hope I never forget that someone has died nor that those that survive are hurting and that I will always empathise with their pain. I no longer know how many people I have been to that have died though. How they died and where they died does not stay in my memory. It may be dozens or even hundreds, I really don't know. I still feel uncomfortable having to break this news and hope that this is a sign that I retain a basic human decency despite what I do for a living.

How has this changed me? Well, I see the mortality in everyone I know and meet. I assess the likely-hood of a heart attack or stroke, the chances of cancer - how they are likely to go. This is all done on a sub-conscious level but it is there and I'm aware of it. I expect my father to have a huge stroke, my mother to succumb to cancer and my sister to meet an untimely death at her own hands. Me, it's COPD and cancer. I don't expect any surprises.

Does this make me more passionate about things, overly keen to meet life head on and more susceptible to fits of anger about what I find unjust? Dammed right it does.

The outcome of this.... we all, as Ambos, carry the feint smell of death around with us. People know, normal people know, what we do. I think that while they all are amazed that we do what we do the very fact that they "couldn't do our job" says more than they think. We deal with the dirty, the sick, the maimed and the dead. It's a fantastic job when we do what we are trained to do but it leaves a mark and it's not always comfortable.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thought provoking post.I dont think you are alone in considering the mortality of those around you, but perhaps where I think when, you, from experience. think of the likely cause as well.Not that I spend a lot of time thinking about death its just the ratio seems to be four funerals and a wedding these days.

Anonymous said...

Good post Macbain.
I don't know why death is such a difficult subject in our culture as it's the one thing we can be sure of and you sound like you deal with it in a healthy way. All the shit we deal with inbetween being born and dying can be scarier anyway.
Hope this doesn't sound wrong but whenever i take terminally ill patients i often find they have a very serene air about them and make the best company, and i never feel bad about someone dying if it was their time to go. Although if i progress onto the emergency side of things i may find things a little different!