Monday 11 December 2006

A TRADITIONAL FAMILY X-MAS













Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing on behalf of the people who gave birth to you, raised you and, in most instances, nurtured, loved and worried about you.

As you may be aware Christmas/the winter festival, call it what you may, is only two weeks away. This is generally regarded as a time of good cheer where friends and family get together to celebrate a christian festival or simply to wish each other well. Traditionally there will be a meal for the whole family and the exchange of presents, large or small, and an expression of love and good wishes to those present or, indeed, mankind in general.

It may, therefor, be regarded as an unseasonable gesture to contact the accident & emergency arm of the ambulance service requesting the removal of an elderly parent immediately before or on Christmas day. I understand that they may be incontinent, have very poor mobility or even Alzheimer's but, believe me, the hospital is no place for them to celebrate. They are crowded with ill people who would love to be with their family, if only this was an option. Our staff members are experienced and professional and will generally know within a minute what a heartless shit head you are. Irrespective of the accurate description of the symptoms you found on Google for bird flu the physiological elements will not be present; no matter how much you tell us you think they are.

Additionally, the likelihood of other members of the public becoming genuinely ill over this period are the same as on any other day. There will be as may cardiac arrests, strokes, chest pains etc as at any other time of year. Consequently the crews who are on shift will be quite busy enough without trying to provide respite care for your unwanted parent/relative. May I respectfully request that you enter into the spirit of the season and take some responsibility and show goodwill to those that love you.

Failing this please try and refrain from hitting relatives, that are able bodied enough to attend your shindig, with anything too hard or sharp. Despite the effects of Stella and vodka this may cause harm. Even the application of a fist at speed may be detrimental to the well being of both your brother/father/uncle/wife and yourself.

Should you choose to have your traditional gathering and party games it would be of benefit to remember that there are limits to how much alcohol you can have before driving. Your 3 year old daughter will not understand that you are putting her life at risk, even when you hit the wall and she hears her neck break.

Wishing you the best of the season,



Iain MacBain

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